Running on empty

My doctor warned me I would feel worse before I felt better. And so it has proved.

I managed to get up for my regular morning run, including some interval training with running club mates. But I took little pleasure in it, feeling lethargic and detatched. I hadn't had breakfast, but that is not unusual. This morning it felt like I was running on empty.

Side effects of Sertraline appear now to include stomach upset, loss of appetite, occasional mild nausea and tiredness. Back at home, after a bath, I retired to bed, falling asleep until early evening, when I awoke somewhat disoriented. Am I more tired than I have imagined? Do I feel now as though I have permission to rest?

My wife recounted a conversation she had with our children yesterday. I'd told them earlier in the week about my 'diagnosis' and that I would be off work for a while; she wanted to find out how they felt about it. My daughter said she was kind of glad I was doing something to fix myself as she couldn't remember when I had last been happy (not on a scale of weeks, but over several years), to the point where she had begun to think that perhaps I did not like her. This came as a shock to me. There is nothing in my life that gives me more joy than my daughter - she is an admirable, beautiful, wonderful teenager. That she should think this of me has made me start to reassess my condition and my recent years. Have I been 'ill' for so long? Did my depression pre-date recent bereavements, and stem from something more distant? Have I been running on empty for years?