Doing nothing, badly
The first Monday of being 'signed off' work. I slept a little better last night than for some Sunday nights past. But guilt-driven anxiety still nagged away.
The list of domestic jobs I could have done today was as long as you might expect. Laundry, cleaning, diy, administration, gardening: all the things necessary to keep a 21st Century western European household ticking over. In the event, I managed to do perhaps two things, and those badly. A trip to the supermarket for the weekly shop was a torment. A Sertraline-induced loss of appetite has kicked in with a vengeance, moving on from 'not thinking of food' to 'thinking of food with distaste'. I toured the aisles looking at the foods with which I normally fill my trolley, and could find nothing even for lunch that didn't make me feel nauseous. My food intake for the day amounts to a packet of cashew nuts and some mini-kabanos.
Before leaving for work this morning, my wife made a point of saying that every situation has a silver lining, and that I should think of today's silver lining. Perhaps it is that I shall soon be down to my 'racing' weight. At 12 stone 11lbs this morning, I am the lightest that I can recall, and heading speedily towards my previoulsy elusive target weight of 175lbs. I felt somewhat like a gazelle on my regular club run this evening, and I do not doubt it is due to carrying significantly fewer lycra-clad pounds round the north London streets.
My daughter asked me what I had done today, and my answer was that I had done very little, beyond some grocery shopping. I hadn't even managed to make myself something to eat. it struck me that this was not unlike the pattern of every 'day off' I have had in the past several months. Holidays from work, a time, traditionally, for yes, rest, but also for catching up with undone jobs, for catching up with work itself, have been for me during the last year, no more than days of tasks unfulfilled, of pointless displacement activity that left me no more rested nor up to date than before. I am coming to a firmer conclusion that I have been 'unwell' for some time, but have either not realised it or have not recognised it for what it is. I've been doing things - work, family, relationships - badly, for some time, and even doing nothing badly too, unable to relax and recharge and catch up. Can I recapture that ability?
